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FRIDAY, AUGUST 6, 2004

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Don't Laugh, Jerk, Dead Birds Aren't Funny!
By Chuck
6/6 12:30pm EDT
If 'Hey, You Dropped Your Smile Back There,' Doesn't Work, Coerce That Grin On Their Face
By Amanda 6/11 1:16pm EDT
It sort of puts you off your guard to be told to smile, because it makes you feel like you're being grumpy and negative for no reason and you feel guilty and before you can come around to realizing the enforcer is in the wrong, you've probably given an apologetic smile. It takes practice to take on enforcers. Most people don't smile most of the time. Most people's faces are relaxed most of the time, regardless of their moods. I like Jessica's point--if women had perma-smiles, we would look like Stepford wives, just eerie beaming all the time. It would put you off your lunch at bare minimum.
Horse Radish Infused Prawn Cocktail Turns Heaven into Hell
By Galtor 6/11 12:55pm EDT
I had a prawn cocktail for lunch, but for the damndest reason, all the horse radish was right in the middle of my glass, so to get the prawn out, it had to go through a [expletive] load of HR. I figure, i'm a big boy a little horse radish can't hurt me. MY sinus exploded. It [expletive] blew MY FACE OFF. I couldn't smell after that. The next one - [expletive], my ass was A LAKE OF [EXPLETIVE] FIRE. If it wasn't for great sphincter control I would have been spewing magma all over the other patron.
McSalad's 'Attitude' Doesn't Begin to Compensate for Missing Veggies
By Natalia 6/11 12:05pm EDT
most of the McDonald's ads have struck me as idiotic and completely off the mark--but... a salad that has attitude??? Maybe I'm a little freaky here, but I generally don't look for attitude in a salad.  Actually, I tend to look for fresh veggies, yummy condiments and good taste--I could really take or leave the attitude.  Just how do you put attitude on a salad? Do you put sunglasses on top?
Summer's Here, and That Makes it Back Shaving Time
By Hank 6/10 5:59pm EDT
Just as a long hair dog must get it nattiness trimmed for the hot malaise of summer, just as sheep have to be trimmed and harvested for their wool to benefit the sheep farmers, the garment manufacturers, and the consuming public, just as Hollywood hunks must maintain their buff physiques to incur the box office profits of their production companies, I too must undertake a procedure, yet the principle for my procedure varies significantly. Inescapably, I must undergo the seasonal practice of getting my back shaved.
Dotty Old Boss Interrupts Meeting With Tale of Orange Kenyans
By Pickle Juice 6/9 2:29pm EDT
I was sitting in a meeting with my boss and Other Dude. Very almost-but-not-quite-suit-worthy-executive-type meeting. Which, of course, means my boss (seventy-five years old) is talking about every single personal anecdote he can summon that has absolutely nothing to do with what the meeting is about. He was talking about this video they took in Kenya and said this: "Man, I just looked awful. I looked old. The lighting was so bad that all the black people looked orange. But that part was so awesome."
People You Went To High School With Will Be Totally Bummed To Hear This
By stereogum 6/6 1:09pm EDT
Breaking News - Creed Disbands
Guess I'm Moving to Singapore!
By iglue 6/6 12:35pm EDT
Yes it's true. It's easier to see a prostitute than to buy a chewing gum. Well, in Singapore at least. The government has finally lifted the 12 year ban of chewing gum but with a catch. They can buy the gum only if they give their name and show some id. Very odd country. Very fine country.
Memoranda: Setting The World Right
By Claudia 6/6 12:57pm EDT
To: Girl I interviewed yesterday From: HR Re: test scores You seemed like a nice girl. But then I watched, SQUIRMING, as you typed “vegitables.” And then changed it to “vegatables.” And then typed some keywords (bad ones, in the wrong blank). And then went back and fixed it to “vegitibles.” WTF. I almost want to hire you, just so that I can hand you a Post-It with "vegetables" written on it. And then fire you.
Tough Guy Not So Scary in His Girl Car
By Kurt Scott Hopke 6/4 1:50pm EDT
everytime you see a new Mustang, chances are, it's a hot girl driving. Really. Like it's replaced all the other cars hot girls drive. there are maybe five people that drive Mustangs in my section, and, yes, they're all hot girls. Whatsupwitdat? Who knows. I only bring this up because I saw a dude trying to drip machismo, but he was driving a Mustang. My only thought as he was revving the engine in a Target parking lot: "He's in a girl car."
The Pinecone Is The New Mace
By tj 5/30 1:15pm EDT
When he grabbed my ears and tried to bury my reluctant face in his crotch, I in turn grabbed the first available weapon (a pinecone) and smashed him in the side of the head with it. And ran away like a complete pussy.
Now It's Your Turn To Be Hilarious
By Charlie 5/30 12:41pm EDT
Sweet, simple, and it'll only make you a little crazy. (Like eating a pound of cane sugar, or spending an hour with Jessica Simpson. But I digress.) Anyway, lest I start having daydreams about corny pop stars and mounds of sugar, here's this week's Punchline Fever! Enjoy!
Confusion Over Spelling May Be My Own Fault, But "Flin Flon" Is Just Silly
By Chuckles 5/30 12:48pm EDT
The shy-looking girl on the bus seemed too demure to be wearing a shirt emblazoned with big letters that read "HUSTLER." Plus, it was a thick dark sweatshirt, not really very revealing. Plus, turns out it said "WHISTLER;" I just couldn't see the whole thing. And in the end, was I disappointed? Well maybe a little bit...
40 More Reasons To Doubt Public Education
By Chaos Theory 5/28 1:50pm EDT
She explained 1-dimensional, 2-dimensional, and 3-dimensional objects. She then portrayed what a 2 1/2-dimensional object was by violently wadding up a piece of paper into a ball and holding it out to us. She later realized that she needed that piece of paper to make copies of the homework assignment for the class.
Stupid Weddings and Their Stupid Rules!
By Bryan Adams 5/28 1:57pm EDT
What I do not like is the train-wreck of common sense and financial sensibility that marks the transition from "not married" to "married." People who you've known for years turn into these weird, magazine-obsessed, detail-oriented, stressed-out, spaced-out nutcases when planning what is, basically, a party. A party with a lot of rules.
Anatomy of a (Stupid) Metaphor
By Kate 5/28 2:02pm EDT
Now we're getting somewhere. You, like a solid, are something I can grab onto. By contrast, I can't hold a gas in my hand. What's that just like? Hello, Sound of Music, anybody? "How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?" Clearly, Winston was talking about moonbeams.
From Monkeys to Christian Porn, Here Are A Bajillion Things To Do Online
By lex icon 5/27 2:46pm EDT
This is the most clever use of the web I have seen in at least a year. The url said it all: http://www.bitchhitmytruck.com/ I first saw it last week, and it had a picture of some drunken idiot who had been seen driving off after smacking this dude's truck. This week, problem solved. The site is now more like a retrospective.
Dear Diarrhea
By Bobby Tisdale 5/27 3:10pm EDT
From the co-creator of "Blackpeopleloveus.com," here's Dear Diarrhea...
Let's All Make Fun of Fred Durst's New Blog
By Tremble 5/26 9:21pm EDT
I apologize pre-emptively for writing about some damn blog in that "Oh my God it's so shitty it's GREAT!" kind of way, but I truly am amazed whenever I read Durst's thoughts. I've always argued that he was a dangerous character because it's very destructive for a band's spokesperson to be dumber than his dumbest fan, and Durst is possibly just that.
By PaulG
5/25 2:55pm EDT
British Blogger Lets Americans Know What's What About English Language
By Eurotrash 5/26 9:58pm EDT
The reason we Europeans don't like your accent (apart from you southerners, we love that one) is that you sound like you are talking out of your noses to us. All we hear is a kind of twangy WAAA WAAA WAAAAAA WAAAA WAAAA WAAAA WAAAAAAA thing, which has the same effect as scraping a fork down a plate to our ears.
Insomnia Leads to Obsessive Thoughts, New Blog Entry
By Invincible Girl 5/26 9:04pm EDT
I bet they sit there and think about how I’m such a crazy overemotional weirdo. I mean, who gets worked up about the stuff I get worked up about? Bad stand-up comedians, that’s who. Maybe I should start writing crappy jokes for them.
Bill Cosby Advocates Third World Style Executions for Stealing Jell-O Puddin' Pops
By ESP 5/25 5:22pm EDT
Another affront to the legacy of civil rights, the 'Cos points out, is the outrage that follows the killing of unarmed black thieves: "These are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola,'' he explained. 'People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake and then we run out and we are outraged, saying, `The cops shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand?'' Yeah -- if you steal pound cake, you should be shot dead. Duh! Of course, if they were stealing Pepsi, that would be one thing -- but Coca-Cola? Shoot him! And don't even think about touching those Jell-O Pudding Pops! Or that Kodak film!
They Can Put a Man on the Moon, So Why is There No Cancel Button in Elevators?
By Recharred 5/25 3:09pm EDT
I've never had the misfortune of being stuck in a lift, although I reckon it's one of those situations that aren't as terrifying as they were before mobile phones. Now, if the lift got stuck you'd just ring someone or play Snake until you got out. Before mobile phones, you'd just have to hope that someone could hear you shouting, and hope that Zorrin from James Bond's A View To A Kill wasn't on the top floor hurling petrol bombs into the lift shaft (which was always my biggest fear).
Weeping Kindergarteners Ruin Play, Want To Redo It Next Week
By Ladeeleroy 5/25 11:27am EDT
I quickly stepped over the row of kids, but suddenly felt a surge of pain run up my femur. I had whacked something with my knee. I had whacked something very hard with my knee. I had whacked a kindergartener in the back of her head with my knee.
Man On Vacation Tries to Mount Pool Float, Wonders About Penis
By Fu-Fu 5/25 1:08pm EDT
But each time I quickly put my shorts back on because all I could think was the neighbors staring out of the kitchen window saying "Honey, you gotta come see this. That fat guy is naked and yelling at his balls! And I think he has a hard on!" I was. And I did.
Law Student's Friend Assures He is an [Expletive], Not an [EXPLETIVE]
By Kurt Scott Hopke 5/25 11:56am EDT
me: He is a bit of a [expletive]. but then, aren't I? kat: Well..... no, you're more of an [EXPLETIVE], really. If we must name body parts. me: What's the difference? kat: Well, a [expletive] is annoying. An [EXPLETIVE] is someone you are sort of secretly admiring, but would never do those things yourself. You see? Basically, you're the fall guy for saying everything we wish we could.
Corn Dogs Now Much Cooler and More Dangerous Without Safety Stick
By Natalie 5/25 11:41am EDT
What do you do when you want the fun of fairgrounds food but hate the hassles of not getting burned with hot oil? Then let me suggest to you a mini corn dog! Yes, they're cooked in the exact same way as a regular corn dog but they don't have a stick up their ass so you don't have to worry about not getting burned with hot oil! Hot oil will be running down your hands with every succulent bite! And they're marketed towards children!
Cruise Teaches Life Lessons, Mostly About Karaoke
By Kathryn Jane 5/24 5:06pm EDT
Pretty much all of popular music can be divided in two categories: Karaoke Songs That Rock and Karaoke Songs That People Should Just Stop Singing Now And Never Sing Again Or I Will Find Them And Cut Them, And I Mean It For Real So Don't [expletive] With Me On This.
Odd Todd Cares About Christopher Reeve and Cute Chicks
By Odd Todd 5/24 5:08pm EDT
I do sometimes give to charity. In fact a couple weeks ago my buzzer buzzed and it was some chick from like the Fresh Air Fund or whatever collecting money. She was kinda cute so I invited her inside. I thought it was weird that she'd just come into my apartment especially because I was dressed all crazy and I look like I haven't shaved in two weeks. But I guess fresh air is a priority in her life.
If You Tuck a Shirt Into Bike Shorts, You're Gonna Get Laughed At
By Witt and Wisdom 5/24 3:17pm EDT
You look like you're smuggling several links of Hillshire Farms Polska Kielbasa down there. Shouldn't your first fashion clue have been that you've never, in the history of all mankind, ever seen anyone else tuck a shirt into a pair of biking shorts? Did you think to look in the mirror?
Stop Making Fun of The Bachelor in 12 Not-So-Easy Steps
By djb 5/24 5:12pm EDT
I will make a list of all persons I have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. Unless they reeeeeeeeally deserved it, like if they went on television to fall in love, in which case I won't apologize. Which really cuts down my list considerably.
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